


He needed this. | Ballum

by chloe16



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Emotional, Empathy, Hope, M/M, Numbness, Self-Hatred, Sexuality, Shame, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 13:27:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19888576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chloe16/pseuds/chloe16
Summary: Ben finds Callum in a very vulnerable and emotional state, and so lends a physical and metaphorical shoulder to cry on. A very heartfelt conversation.





	1. She didn’t get him.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not the best at writing dialogue/dialect and the second chapter was quite rushed, but I hope you still like it! Enjoy ;)

Callum practically ran out of his flat, _desperately_ trying to escape the deafening silence he was sat in. He couldn’t stand to listen to the clock ticking for any longer, each second passing by marked another second spent in emotional turmoil. He needed some fresh air. As he arrived at the market, he spotted Whitney standing against her stall amongst the lunchtime crowds of shoppers. She beckoned him over, so he went up to her and gave her a half-hearted hug. It had reached the point where he hated all physical contact with her, but he was cautious of her suspecting something was wrong. If or when it all came out, it needed to be on _his_ terms. 

“You alright Callum? Didn’t expect to be seeing you out today, thought Jay would have you buried in work. Looks quite busy in there.”

“Yeah he says I’ve earned myself a break. Off to catch up with an old friend from the army, we only started speaking again recently. It’s nice, you know. I do miss it.” He hated lying to her but he had to buy himself some time to be on his own for a couple of hours. She just didn’t get it. **She didn’t get him.**

“I know you do, I know.” She rubbed him on his back in an attempt to comfort him, but it just made him tense up even more. She didn’t _know_ at all. “We might need to free up another space on the guest list then if it goes well! Oh speaking of the wedding, have a flip through this if you get a free minute.” Whitney handed him a wedding brochure, outlined in candy-floss pink flowers. 

“Cheers Whit. I’ll see you later.” _And with that, he left._

He didn’t know where exactly he was going, so he just walked until he found an area quiet enough for him to think but with enough background noise to make him feel like he actually existed in the world. Callum settled for the deserted playground, and lowered himself onto one of the swings. Starting to gently swing backwards and forwards, it was a somewhat soothing feeling. **He needed this.** He stared blankly at the wedding brochure in his lap. The minutes he spent like this turned into hours, and it soon became dark. The glowing sun that blessed Walford with its presence earlier on had retreated into the horizon long ago. It was replaced by a bitterly cold wind, that knifed Callum’s exposed skin. The icy temperature made him aware of the tears streaming down his face, and the stinging feeling in his eyes. He had become so numb to his surroundings, he failed to hear the sound of keys rattling in a lock nearby.

———————————————————————————

Ben was locking up the Arches after making his first appearance there in a while. He turned around to lean against the doors and take in one last second of peace before returning home. That’s when he saw a silhouette of a man sat on a swing in the playground. After allowing his eyes to focus and readjust to the darkness, he immediately recognised who it was. _Callum._ After debating with himself whether to go and speak to him or not, he decided to follow his heart instead of his head and go over. 

As he arrived at the entrance of the playground, a smirk grew on his face as he opened his mouth to make a remark about lurking in a kid’s playground at night. However, when Callum never looked up at him or acknowledged his presence, Ben knew that Callum couldn’t take it right now. He could so easily read him, and he realised that he was struggling even more than before. He turned off the ‘smart mouth’ side of him, and brought forward the empathetic side of him. Callum needed comforting. He saw it in his forlorn face.

Gingerly patting the ground to ensure that it was dry, Ben sat down against the wall facing Callum. Callum tilted his head to look at him, and the light reflecting on his eyes showed _just_ how bloodshot and puffy they were. His lip was slightly stained with blood, presumably from where he’d been biting down on it. His chest began to dramatically rise and fall as his breathing quickened, signalling the start of another waterfall of tears that soon spilled down his face. Ben felt his heart break at this sight.

“Callum come and sit down here with me. _Please._ Let me see you.” He tried to sound as calm as possible, but he couldn’t prevent his voice from breaking with emotion.

Without hesitating, he stood up with weak legs and sat down on the ground next to Ben. Ben gently took Callum’s hands in his own, and Callum gripped them so tightly his knuckles turned white. This connection told Ben everything that Callum needed to hear in this moment. They sat hand in hand for the next few minutes whilst he prepared what he was going to say, listening to Callum’s heart beat audibly.


	2. Tell me how.

“Talk to me,” Ben finally said.

“Everything just got too much. Why am I being punished with these feelings? You would have thought with being in the army, I could cope with anything. I don’t know what to do. Every option I’ve been over in my head ends up in someone getting hurt. I know all too well what getting hurt is like, so how could I knowingly put that feeling on someone else? I make myself live with feeling worthless and numb, and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. I am getting married soon!” Callum cried out. “Look at that man’s face!” He stabbed his finger into the wedding brochure, pointing out the groom on the cover. “Look at the genuine smile on his face, the way he looks at his bride. Why don’t I feel that? I have tried so hard to force something, _anything,_ praying that if I could, everything would sort itself out.”

“Sadly life doesn’t work like that. I felt so cursed when I realised I was gay. The homophobia, the stereotypes, the prejudice. When I came out, I knew from that moment that people would never look at me in the same way again. I stopped being ‘Ben Mitchell’ and instead became ‘Phil Mitchell’s gay son’. I lost all respect from my old man. I hated the world for making me this way, using Abi to try and hide from these feelings. But you can’t hide forever. Not from yourself.”

“I can try to.”

“No Callum. You’ve been trying for the past however many years and look what it’s done to you. It’s time to put yourself first.”

“I don’t know how to. Please **tell me how** Ben! Tell me what to do!”

“I can’t do that. I will help you as much as I can. I know what _I_ want you to do, but only you can figure out what the right thing to do is for yourself. Think about how you’re feeling right now. All this misery and self-hatred and _pain._ You can put an end to it all. There is a way out of this. But you need to figure out how yourself.” Ben knew deep down that it would be selfish of him to tell him what to do, and all he could do was pray that Callum made the decision that would make him happy. In turn, that would make Ben happy. “You know what your biggest flaw is? You put everyone else before yourself. You’re too kind and you prioritise making other people happy over making yourself happy. It’s not your responsibility to keep others happy. Stop trying to please everyone. You need to look after yourself, if not for you then do it for me.”

“It doesn’t feel _safe_ to admit the truth. It’s like it changes your entire life, re-defining you. Life is supposed to be laid out in a simple order - happy childhood, great family relations, good education, respectable job, house, wife, children, enjoyable retirement. Maybe I don’t want that after all. But I would be disappointing my dad and Stuart, the only family I have.”

“No, no Callum. They aren’t your family. If they stop you from being yourself and being _happy,_ they don’t deserve to be called family. We’re your family here, every one of us in the Square. So many people have your back. Are we not enough?”

“Of course! I’d never take for granted anyone I have here. The people in the Square are a lot more like family than Stuart and my dad are, they’ve accepted me since day one.” Callum sighed. “I hate admitting that. Yes, they all are enough. _You_ are enough.”

They both then sat in a comfortable silence for the next few minutes, before Callum let out one final tear and whispered, _“thank you, for everything.”_ Ben didn’t respond with words, but instead wrapped an arm around Callum’s shoulders and pulled him into his chest. He lay his head on Ben’s shoulder and closed his eyes, and Ben planted a soft kiss on the top of his head before resting his own head on top of Callum’s. Callum, **he needed this.**

_They both did._


End file.
